MUSE OF SHADOWS

I have dreamt a thousand dreams about you. During daytime, and at night. Have you, too? I have prayed for a thousand times to meet you. I have prayed, with the first rays of summer, with the falling leaves of autumn, with the last breeze of winter, and with the humming crickets of spring. I have imagined over a thousand ways to kiss you. Merely brushing your lips at first, followed by ensconcing them softly and taking in your breath, before bringing in my tongue, craving to feel a hundred different sensations at once. I have been awake for a thousand lonely nights, staring up at the stars, and whispering my one and only wish, frantically and beseechingly - that I can expect you to lie on top of me one day, embracing me to sleep. I have searched a thousand different worlds to find you. To unite with the other half of me. Because you're mine, and I'm yours, and I'll storm into the burning embers of hell itself to be with you. I have gazed at a thousand differen...

Desultory Reflections 20th April 2019 3:25 am The setting is the same. I'm spread out in my bed, my posture stuck somewhere between sitting and lying. I'm alone in my room, in the whole apartment in fact, alone as that time before I was born, a loneliness that's calling out to me, the only voice echoing along the walls, akin to death. The clock's ticking as it's supposed to, but I don't turn on the light to check the time, because the darkness has a solemnity about it, it's radiating a pseudo peacefulness that's pretty much impossible to attain in one's lifetime, and I'm reluctant to disturb it. Instead I tap on my phone and turn it off instantly. It's 3:26 am. I light another cigarette, dragging death in with a desperation that's masking my hopelessness. I release the smoke with a sigh, trailing my fingers through the smoke rings dancing in the dark, like midsummer shadows trailing in my past, before eventually flickering away, ...

Here I go again. I've written a hundred poems on you, I've ranted over a thousand desultory words in order to bridge the distance that separates us. I've mourned you with a million epithets, each of them bleeding with the unanswered emotions that overflow from the centre of my being, unable to reach the safe confines of home. H-O-M-E.  I'm so far away from home, and I've lost my keys to it anyway. I lost you. It's raining. Lightning and thunder dance together in symphony with my lonely heartbeat, and it aches to sing with yours. It misses the joy, it misses the companionship, it misses the sound of yours beating as one with mine, as I miss you. I'm drawing stupid emojis with the mist that has accumulated on the windowpane, while a section of my mind reflects on those days when your fingers were eclipsed with mine as we drew sceneries and stars and so much more with the same mist. Without you, I'm lost. I wonder oftentimes about that single mome...

I shiver and sigh from the coldness, the kind that seeps into your bones when you're devoid of human contact for an inconceivable period of time. I wouldn't recognize your touch on my skin if you were to appear before me now. I walk around the woods, looking for answers to unasked questions, trying to fit square pegs in round holes, hoping to breathe in the lively scent of lilacs in this death ravaged winterland. I know I'm looking for something, but I can't identify what it is. It starts to rain in the distance, as the clouds over the mountains release every iota of tears that they've collected from the dead souls in the valley, the dead souls who've forsaken the fight to survive because they've been overcome with misery so heavy that it could crush those aforementioned mountains. I can't help but feel the pull of the valley, as I'm pretty sure that somewhere inside me, beneath all those layers of sinewed armour and rock solid imbibition that c...

Over and over and over again, I begin anew, With dreams galore. Hope bubbles high, Trying to reach the sky, Only to be shattered, Without ever meeting the rain clouds. I'm stuck in the centre of this endless sphere of agony, I can't escape this gravity, And you're not there to pull me out. I've befriended despondence, And relished the darkness, For the rainbow is dead here, And so is you. In my years of confinement, I've wondered about star filled skies And you gazing at them, holding hands with me. I've wondered about your moonlit cheeks, And how I can't kiss them anymore. I've wondered about your eyes, And how they brightened when I looked at them. I've wondered about my ambitions, And how they drift aimlessly without you. I've wondered about constellations; And how they resemble our linked up souls. I've wondered about poems, And how I can never read them to you. I've wondered about music, ...

It's so DIFFICULT To wake up day in, day out, shriveled by the ever increasing craving to hold you again; To brush my teeth, knowing that you're not here to kiss me afterwards; To comb my hair, haunted by the memory of your fingers playing with my curls; To gaze at the moon, without holding you; To look at the mirror, instead of looking at you; To feel you by staring at your shiny eyes through memory, not sight; To find home, as no matter how many houses I stay at, I'll remain homeless - as home is you; To live like a drone, with the heart of a butterfly. Faith and Hope don't go hand in hand anymore. I hope to drown, but I wish to fly. To fly like an angel; To fly like you. It's so EASY To visualize the angel and the butterfly soaring up together, each dependent on the other - for love, and nectar, and other things best left unsaid here; To dream that you still remember what I promised you once - that I was going to w...